There’s something about Alberto

Alberto, indeed. 

US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, that is. 

US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales does not have semen in his hair. Well, probably not.

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I don’t recall seeing a high-level public official stonewall like that, in the way Gonzales does. Alberto doesn’t recall a goddam thing. Man, he’s been grilled hard. And the likes of Feinstein, Leahy, Specter, Schumer and Schumer’s hair plugs show no signs of letting up. 

Gonzales’ performance probably ought to fall into my “HISTORICAL CHUTZPAH” file.

Gall, Gonzales, gall. 

But the politics of the DoJ scandal and Gonzales Senate roast have been well-covered elsewhere. 

My comment on the matter is, predictably enough, more superficial — like one New York senator’s plugs.

Senator Biden’s plugs allegedly gave him presidental confidence. His character is not based on Ruprecht.

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There’s something either cruelly hilarious about Gonzales — or downright creepy.

You see…

There’s something decidedly vacant about his look and manner as he fields questions. I’m not usually one for binary distinctions, but the conundrum that is Alberto Gonzales has to be explained in one of two ways. Or, perhaps, three. 

First, he just might be a complete retard. When I first saw Gonzales recite his memorized answers for senators, the look in his eye oddly reminded me of something, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what. Then it came to me last night. When I was very young, there was a boy named Hugo who lived down the street. He would sit in the sandbox and try to eat rocks. For hours. He was determined to eat those rocks. Happily, imperviously. Gonzales looks determined in that very same way. 

Second, Gonzales just might be a sociopath. Meaning: Alberto feels nothing. No conscience. If that’s the case, what else is there to say?

Actually, I shouldn’t be so glib, because Gonzales does matter.

Okay, maybe not to a Canuck like myself. After all, what Americans get up to politically is their business, and naturally has no bearing on Canada whatsoever. Americans impacting Canada? Perish the thought.

My principal concern is that Alberto Gonzales’ sociopathy, sneakiness and stupidity is going to give mainstream credence to certain vile prejudicial epithets that should’ve remained buried decades ago:

Prejudicial epithets like ‘Republicans are fucking morons.’ Just when Reagan and Ford were safely dead, thereby giving loyal GOP members another chance at intellectual cred, the Bushies arrive…

Cometh the hour, cometh the man, cometh The Rapture…

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The third possible explanation is the classic George Costanza counsel for beating a lie detector: ‘It’s not a lie if you believe it.’

What cracked me up tonight was a goof on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360, one of the network’s flagship shows.

Anderson Cooper ‘keeps them honest’ — and suffers Erica Hill.

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As they teased two upcoming stories after commercials — one on anesethesia victims and the other about Gonzales being roasted by senators — they had a technical screw-up: 

The image of Gonzales answering senatorial questions came up, but the caption for the anesthesia story ran across the screen: “Waking nightmare” (as opposed to “Gonzales under fire”). 

Gorgeous transposition, eh? 

Oh, gods bless you CNN. 

Y’know…

For ‘keeping them honest.’

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